Debris

It’s official. I’m going on hiatus.

I’m giving myself two weeks (maybe longer) to turn off Twitter, to not read other people’s blogs, to not feel pressure to hit publish here. I’m going no mail on all my yahoo groups. I’m getting Charlie Gilkey’s Email Triage and I’m going to start dealing with the monsters that are my inboxes. I’m going to throw something away every day (or put it in the donation box). I’m going to curl up in a ball and read, dream, sleep, meditate, chant and cry.

You see I’ve got this debris in my uterus and the doctor thinks I’m going to bleed until it’s gone. Driving myself to the hospital in the middle of the night wondering if my baby was okay while my neighbor stayed with my daughter and my husband listened to me cry on the phone was hard. What’s harder though, is the feeling that I am not really living my life. I am holding myself at arms length, giving lip service to wholeness and joy while my heart breaks because I can’t figure out how to really, truly show up as me. I’ve got this debris in my soul and I’m going to bleed until it’s gone.

When I was 22 or 23, I chopped off all my hair to see if I existed without it. I loved it. I identified with it. People remembered it more than my face, or so I was told. It turned out that I like having long hair. I look better with it. But I existed without it. I survived and I grew through the experience as shallow as it may sound now.

I love the community I have found on Twitter. I love the blogs I read daily and the blogs I get to weekly or monthly, the blogs I discover and bookmark and forget to go back to. I am kept company by the constant flow of emails from my yahoo groups. I will miss you all. I’m a little afraid that if I miss two weeks I’ll be left in the dust, standing alone, wondering where all my friends went.

But I have this debris and it’s causing me to bleed. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. And it’s got to go.

Which means I need                      space

At least for a little while.

Here’s the crazy thing. I’m planning to launch a website in just over two weeks. So how the sam hill am I going to promote it if I’m not on Twitter and blogging and and and…? Good question. I don’t have an answer yet but I’m going to go out on a limb here and just TRUST.

Trust that it might not take two weeks for me to want to get back online. Trust that if I take care of myself, if I fill my own cup, sharing my excitement about the site will feel a whole lot different than if I’m running on empty and it’s simply an item on my to-do list. Trust that what my soul is crying out for needs to be my priority and everything is perfect just as it is. Trust that in Abraham-Hicks speak, letting go of the oars and heading downstream will be a lot more effective than the heavy upstream paddling I’ve been doing.

Trust.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go get rid of a little debris.

Just to clarify after several notes of concern – baby is okay – thankfully. This one’s a fighter.

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~ by Alana on July 15, 2010.

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