Truth and the trifecta
I’ve stumbled a lot this year. Tripped and caught myself. Fallen flat on my face. I keep picking myself up, dusting myself off and putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes it’s easier than others.
I started the year with a vision. I also started with the intention to make six changes by adding one new practice into my life every two months. I got two – meditating and reading – under my belt before it all fell apart. In May I was going to start writing daily. My personal trifecta. I know in my heart of hearts that if I do these three things every day (or even five days a week) the truth that lies deep inside me will come pouring out. These are my winning horses, carrying me deeper into my soul.
Along came Dian’s challenge to write about Self Evidence + Authenticity. Then Bindu Wiles’ to write 800 words a day and do yoga (or simply savasana) 5 days a week. I jumped in with both feet and a full heart. I failed miserably. Sort of.
I’ve slipped and stumbled yet again. Sporadic savasana. Not as many 800 words as I would like. My heart aches as I recognize my habitual inability to make my “priorities” a priority. I’m growing into it – slowly getting better at recognizing when fear keeps me checking my email instead of writing, or examining my face for the blackheads I know I’ll find instead of meditating.
At the same time, I’ve gone public with my story of childhood molestation. I’ve learned so much about how my fear operates. I now recognize my tendency to go invisible when what I desperately want is to free my voice, to be seen, heard and honored for who I am. My life is changing at breakneck speed and yet it feels like slow motion. I’m feeling drained and disconnected from those I love the most. I think it comes from the deep healing work that would normally have me sleeping for days in recovery but as a mom, there’s no time for that. Which is why that trifecta is vitally important. I am uncovering the truth about myself that I once knew and have long forgotten and I’m both invigorated and exhausted.
I happened to look at Rob Brezny’s free will astrology today in one of my local papers:
The plant known as the squirting cucumber has an unusual talent: When the fruit is ripe, it opens up and spits out a rapid-fire stream of seeds that travels a great distance. In the coming weeks, Pisces, you’ll have resemblances to this aggressive fructifier. It’ll be prime time to be proactive about spreading your influence and offering your special gifts. The world is begging you to share your creative spirit, preferably with rapid-fire spurts that travel a great distance.
Really? You mean there’s hope for me yet? As a spitting cucumber?
In the spirit of being ripe and squishy I am gently, with love and compassion for myself, recommitting to those winning horses. I don’t know how far my seeds will reach this time around, but I plan to honor myself and my truth as best I can. And I’ll work on my rapid-fire spitting too.
What are you honoring in yourself right now? Where can you be more compassionate with yourself? What fruit do you most currently resemble? I’d love to know.