Day 2. 21.5.800. Forgiveness. Part 1.

Day 2 of Bindu Wiles’ challenge and I did nothing. No 800 words. No yoga to speak of. No Savasana. At which point I head directly to default position – beating myself up. Again. This is why my husband raised his eyebrows in concern when I told him I’d signed up. This is why I hesitated before I added my name to the list.

From 6:23 am to 9:43 pm I parented my daughter. Then I fell asleep. In one reality, that was my day. Measured against the impossible standard I hold for myself and the thoughtful, moving posts that appeared in my inbox and twitter feed, I failed miserably. The old Alana, the perfectionist, would have thrown her hands up in despair, taken the day as proof that I will never succeed at anything and given up. For good. End of challenge.

The new Alana, the slowly recovering perfectionist, took some deep breaths, asked for a little bit of time and space, forgave myself and dove inside. Here’s the reality of yesterday from this new point of view.

I woke after a short night of fitful sleep to my beautiful daughter smiling an inch away from my nose and saying “Time to get up mom!” My heart ached as for the first time in her young life, she did not ask to nurse upon waking. I made her breakfast. We played games. I put a movie on so I could focus on my Fearless Living coaching call. I took a 5 minute break from the call to deal with a missed potty incident. Then we baked vegan chocolate cupcakes for her daddy’s birthday, walked the dog, had lunch, walked to her new children’s yoga and music class, walked downtown to meet friends for take out at a park, came home and collapsed. Let me say too that yesterday was the first day I was able to walk more than a couple of blocks since I fractured my leg February 17th. In this reality, my day was a massive success.

In this new, more gentle perspective, I realized that this challenge is not about getting an A+ from Bindu for a perfect record. It’s not about writing and doing yoga for 21 days, checking it off the list and leaving it behind. It’s not about the result.

When I envision my ideal day, there is room for writing, for yoga, for family and friends, for play, for making mistakes and getting things right, for passion, for forgiveness, for love. When I remember this I know that these 21 days are simply a practice, a move toward my vision. They are a way to gently encourage myself, holding hands with a community of like-minded beings, in my quest to live as my highest self. In this reality I am allowed to forgive myself for being human. I am allowed to simply be.

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~ by Alana on June 10, 2010.

10 Responses to “Day 2. 21.5.800. Forgiveness. Part 1.”

  1. Absolutely stunning writing and awareness from an absolutely stunning woman. Wow. I have tears in my eyes as I feel such a universal tug from you simply writing the loveliness of you onto the page here and courageously sharing with the rest of us. Your words have power. THANK YOU for writing them today and being exactly who you are in this precise moment. Your daughter is blessed to have you as Mommy. And hey, have any of those cupcakes left? My belly is growling a bit. 🙂

    • Julie – I have tears in my eyes from reading your comment. Thank you. Come on over for cupcakes any time.

  2. oh Alana every time I come to this space I recognize you, your soul, your being, and I think…I miss her. And we haven’t even had our real life play date yet. There is such resonance in the things that you write. I am blessed to be here to read them, and to be connected to you.

  3. holy moly mama! what a shift. LOVE it when that happens! 🙂

  4. That was really beautiful! I too have been less than perfect in this challenge. I love that it is about the journey not the destination. Not only are we allowed to be human, but that is how we will offer our best selves.
    Thank you for sharing your best self with us!

    • Thank you for visiting and sharing your voice. Less than perfect IS human – I’m glad to be in excellent company 🙂

  5. Forgiveness is such a beautiful thing to witness…I feel so blessed to bear witness to even part of your process, Alana…I’m recognizing some similar things about these challenges we’ve accepted—SO not about the result, but about the journey itself and the transformation that comes as a result. Allowing that transformation to happen certainly requires our forgiveness…

    Oh and can I get in on that play date with Olive + Hope?? =)

  6. I’m with Mynde – sounds like you are experiencing a shift. Be gentle with yourself. Enjoy the process. No one here is grading you. We are simply holding you and walking alongside you and marveling at your process.

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