I am three days away from my 38th birthday. I don’t have any particularly big feelings about 38. It means I’m officially in my late thirties and I’m okay with that. (Is there a point to not being okay with our chronological age?). I like to use dates on the calendar – birthdays, a new year, anniversaries – as a way to step back and take a look at where I’ve been, where I am and where I imagine I’m going. I read this meme over at olive & hope’s blog and was inspired to use it as this year’s touchstone. Perhaps I’ll do it again next year and see what changes.
I am: exactly where I need to be.
I think: too much. Working on that.
I know: that we are all connected. That people are inherently good. That something has to change.
I want: to live my life passionately, joyfully, completely. To support the dreams of everyone in my tribe. A 100% healthy daughter. A Vita-Mix blender, a new pair of organic pajamas and a great haircut.
I have: so much to be grateful for. So much to learn. So much fun to have.
I dislike: green peppers, shame, the world “should”, fear.
I miss: my grandparents. My dogs. My body at 17.
I fear: loss. But I’m working on accepting its inevitability and enjoying each moment with those I love as fully as I can.
I feel: worthy more than I used to.
I hear: the hum of the Starbucks coffee machine. Folksy guitar. Voices.
I smell: coffee and the garlic on my breath (dinner was gooooood)
I crave: more time to fill the well.
I usually: eat too much.
I search: for answers that lead to bigger questions.
I wonder: at the beauty all around me.
I regret: any time I’ve been unkind. That I’m no longer bilingual.
I love: my life, my husband, my daughter, my family of origin, my friends, the ocean, sunrises and sunsets, the air after a big rain, the quiet after a snowfall, the Yukon, all of the animals I’ve shared my life with, connection, laughter, a good cry, a great story, writing, self-discovery, change, acting on my dreams, dreaming my dreams, singing, dancing, both countries I belong to, speaking French, traveling, discovery, self-discovery, healing touch, meditation, yoga, this journey.
I care: deeply.
I am always: growing.
I worry: less and less. When I do, it’s mostly about the people I love.
I remember: waking up early to help my grandmother in the kitchen. Baking cookies with my mom. Wishing for a horse every Christmas and birthday. Falling in love for the first time. When I realized women were my best friends, not my enemies.
I have: so much that I want to do.
I dance: because I am a dancer. I had a therapist tell me once that if I would only let myself dance again, my whole life would look different. I don’t dance enough.
I sing: all the time. I wish I sounded better. I really wanted to be a rock star. Or the reincarnation of Billie Holiday.
I don’t always: listen to my deepest, most knowing self quickly enough.
I argue: rarely but when I do, I argue with great passion.
I write: because I have to in order to stay sane.
I lose: at Trivial Pursuit. Always.
I wish: for greater awareness.
I listen: to the sound of the ocean at night. To my daughter’s made up songs. To my husband’s voice. To my friends’ stories. To myself.
I don’t understand: so much.
I can usually be found: with a 3 foot bundle of delight whose smile lights up my heart.
I am scared: that I won’t fulfill my potential.
I need: honest connection.
I forget: how many amazing things I have done, how many successes I have had.
I am happy: right now.