Taking stock

I am three days away from my 38th birthday. I don’t have any particularly big feelings about 38. It means I’m officially in my late thirties and I’m okay with that. (Is there a point to not being okay with our chronological age?). I like to use dates on the calendar – birthdays, a new year, anniversaries – as a way to step back and take a look at where I’ve been, where I am and where I imagine I’m going. I read this meme over at olive & hope’s blog and was inspired to use it as this year’s touchstone. Perhaps I’ll do it again next year and see what changes.

I am: exactly where I need to be.

I think: too much. Working on that.

I know: that we are all connected. That people are inherently good. That something has to change.

I want: to live my life passionately, joyfully, completely. To support the dreams of everyone in my tribe. A 100% healthy daughter. A Vita-Mix blender, a new pair of organic pajamas and a great haircut.

I have: so much to be grateful for. So much to learn. So much fun to have.

I dislike: green peppers, shame, the world “should”, fear.

I miss: my grandparents. My dogs. My body at 17.

I fear: loss. But I’m working on accepting its inevitability and enjoying each moment with those I love as fully as I can.

I feel: worthy more than I used to.

I hear: the hum of the Starbucks coffee machine. Folksy guitar. Voices.

I smell: coffee and the garlic on my breath (dinner was gooooood)

I crave: more time to fill the well.

I usually: eat too much.

I search: for answers that lead to bigger questions.

I wonder: at the beauty all around me.

I regret: any time I’ve been unkind. That I’m no longer bilingual.

I love: my life, my husband, my daughter, my family of origin, my friends, the ocean, sunrises and sunsets, the air after a big rain, the quiet after a snowfall, the Yukon, all of the animals I’ve shared my life with, connection, laughter, a good cry, a great story, writing, self-discovery, change, acting on my dreams, dreaming my dreams, singing, dancing, both countries I belong to, speaking French, traveling, discovery, self-discovery, healing touch, meditation, yoga, this journey.

I care: deeply.

I am always: growing.

I worry: less and less. When I do, it’s mostly about the people I love.

I remember: waking up early to help my grandmother in the kitchen. Baking cookies with my mom. Wishing for a horse every Christmas and birthday. Falling in love for the first time. When I realized women were my best friends, not my enemies.

I have: so much that I want to do.

I dance: because I am a dancer. I had a therapist tell me once that if I would only let myself dance again, my whole life would look different. I don’t dance enough.

I sing: all the time. I wish I sounded better. I really wanted to be a rock star. Or the reincarnation of Billie Holiday.

I don’t always: listen to my deepest, most knowing self quickly enough.

I argue: rarely but when I do, I argue with great passion.

I write: because I have to in order to stay sane.

I lose: at Trivial Pursuit. Always.

I wish: for greater awareness.

I listen: to the sound of the ocean at night. To my daughter’s made up songs. To my husband’s voice. To my friends’ stories. To myself.

I don’t understand: so much.

I can usually be found: with a 3 foot bundle of delight whose smile lights up my heart.

I am scared: that I won’t fulfill my potential.

I need: honest connection.

I forget: how many amazing things I have done, how many successes I have had.

I am happy: right now.

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~ by Alana on March 12, 2010.

4 Responses to “Taking stock”

  1. Alana,
    Happy birthday!
    I love this meme. May try to complete it during my week of vacation.

  2. Gorgeous list and a great way to celebrate the whole you.
    Happy b-day, chica! May each wish you have come true! xo

  3. Thanks Lindsey and Emma. Here’s to wishes and dreams coming true for all of us, this year and always.

  4. beautiful Alana! What a great way to acknowledge where you are as you enter another year. Wishing you a year of living big!

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