A new life for a new year
I have been pregnant twice and I have one child. Well, actually three times if you count this one, which I guess I should. I’m not very far along – about 6 weeks I think. Far too early to tell anyone. Pregnant couples are “supposed to” hang on to their secret until the first trimester is over. After all, if something goes wrong, we are – in polite society – to deal with our pain privately.
I realized years ago that I don’t like to keep my own secrets. I don’t enjoy suffering alone.
When my marriage imploded 5 months after my wedding, I was devastated. I refused to stay quiet. In the end, the love and support from our community helped us pick up the pieces, do the work and rebuild our relationship. We shared the news of our first pregnancy with our close friends and family early. We were too excited to hold it in. When it ended at 9 weeks, after 3 weeks of blood, hope and tears, I was grateful to have many shoulders to cry on, many people with similar experiences to talk to. In both of these situations I healed because I knew others had healed before me. I did it my own way, but I didn’t have to do it alone.
When we found out we were pregnant last week, my husband’s first reaction was to wait to tell anyone. He was surprised by the news. After having a few hours to digest it, he changed his mind. It’s just not who we are. Not that there is anything wrong with waiting until you think it’s safe. I’ve thought about it a lot in the last week, judging myself a little for the choice we made. After all, I’ve miscarried once, I could again. I keep coming back to the same thing though. If I miscarry again, I don’t want to grieve it quietly, putting on a brave face as I go about my day. I want to live honestly, to share my tears and laughter with the world. I don’t care to hide behind the door marked pretense. I am honored by others when they share their pain openly. Being trusted with big feelings is a gift that I hold close to my heart.
I find myself monitoring how I’m feeling on an almost hourly basis. I haven’t felt nauseous in a while – maybe my hormones aren’t rising the way they should. I haven’t felt chilled/hot since last night – am I still pregnant? Are my breasts sore enough? What if I lose this baby that I’ve realized I want so badly? What if everything works as nature intended and I don’t? I am making myself crazy. In my meditation tonight, I worked on letting go of the fear. There is nothing I can do to alter the outcome and I trust that my body knows how to do this. I trust that this little soul has chosen us to be his or her parents for some reason and from this, I will have lessons to learn. If I learned anything in 2009 it’s that everything is perfect, even when it might not seem to be.
I’m sharing the news here because I want to be present on the page and this is where my head and heart are living. I also believe in community more than I believe in almost anything else. I have found it here and whatever happens with this little bunch of cells multiplying rapidly deep inside me I know that I will need it here. And if you’re up for saying a little prayer (or however you communicate with Spirit) I’ll take it.
The word Ubuntu went into my Vision board for this year. I am because you are. It keeps whispering itself to me now. I am because you are. I close my eyes and listen, wondering what it really means. Community. Finding my tribe. Everything is perfect. I am because you are.
I’m curious. What does it mean to you?