Embracing the demons.

I haven’t had much time to write lately. My days are full and my nights have been focused on some of my 2010 intentions. I’ve created a list of affirmations that make my heart sing when I read them. I’ve finally committed to and finished my vision board. (Funny how much judgment I have around any creative project I undertake – but that’s for another post).

I also spent time meandering on the path of links that take me from tweet to blog to more blogs back to twitter and round again. I am humbled, awed by the power of the words I am reading. By how bare the souls are, how I’ve been invited in to share the beauty, the struggle, the championing of self. Whew. It takes my breath away. And it brings up DEMONS.

Like the schoolgirl who arrives to find her friends not speaking to her that day, I am lost in the dust.

Like the teenager with a crush, I am rejected after the first date.

Like the twenty-something with a drink in one hand and an attitude in the other, I’m ready and willing to take it all on. Healthy or not. Usually not.

And then I breathe. I remember that I am not those girls anymore, that it’s okay. I remember that the space I crave is one of community and connection, not competition. I acknowledge that I’m new at this game. That I’ll get better with practice. That I make the choices that feel best in the moment and then accept – allow – the consequences.  There is enough love to go around.

I can learn in this space. I can grow at my own speed. I am a turtle who wants to be a hare until I remember that I actually like being a turtle.

So now, like the late-thirty-something I am, I head for bed with a full heart and a quiet promise to love those younger pieces of me that are still in pain. They need to be held as much as the little girl who skinned her knee tonight and cried in my arms. They are as real as she is and as deserving.

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~ by Alana on January 7, 2010.

6 Responses to “Embracing the demons.”

  1. YOU FINISHED YOUR VISION BOARD!!!! good girl, alana. it’s gonna’ be great fun watching 2010 unfold in relation to this gorgeous vision board. so we’re late to the party, but we’re here now – ha. another thing we have in common is piqued by your sentence about any creative endeavours being met with much judgment. must be something in the air.

  2. Your courage and vulnerability are so beautiful. Embracing it all!
    Thank you for your moving post!
    Marjory

  3. LOVE this–I am not those girls anymore, either. Thank you so much for the reminder.

  4. wow, alana. the end of this post moved me to tears. maybe it was the score of similarities i felt about myself in my youth. maybe it’s the similarities i feel about myself right now. i don’t know, but whatever it is, thank you for allowing me to relate to you…for putting yourself—the raw, the vulnerable, the real self—out there for me to relate to you. i’m so honored to witness this piece of you.

    peace to you and comfort to your little girl of yesteryear, my friend.

  5. Thanks Jeanne – you were my inspiration.

    Marjory – Thank you for your visit and words. 🙂

    Dyana – Thank GOD we are not those girls anymore. Whew.

    Dian – Your words are holding that little girl right now. Thank you.

  6. Love the vision board! Three cheers for the process and completion.
    And I, too, was moved to tears by your honesty, vulnerability, self-nurturing, and love of the turtle.
    It just keeps getting better and brighter, my friend. xo

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