Best of 09 – Day 31
I am writing this post from the beach, watching my husband and daughter play in the sand. It’s a gorgeous day. It didn’t start that way. I was grumpy. My husband didn’t “get” one of my love languages at breakfast. My daughter is in a phase that tries my patience to the utmost and is teaching me, moment by moment, that the only way to peace is to let go. We went for a walk and the backpack was uncomfortable. I was wearing too many clothes for the heat of the sun. My husband wasn’t walking the dog “properly.” Grumpy. It was more than that though. I felt defeated.
I have spent a lot of my life this way. Seeing the negative. Feeling the fear. Feeling as though my needs were pitted against everyone else’s. Duality thinking. Me or her. Us or them. I win or I lose.
Doing battle with myself internally, I remembered a bit of advice from Scott Noel of The Daily Groove. Say “yes” to everything. To my needs, my daughter’s needs, my husband’s needs. Say yes and trust that with creativity those needs can all get met. Okay, I’ll try it. Yes. Hmmm….Again. Yes. Keep walking. Keep saying it. Yes. Believe it. Yes. And slowly, magically the fog of defeat lifted.
I stopped making resolutions a few years ago. I almost always failed to keep them. It gave me wonderful fodder for beating myself up. I got tired of it. Last year I set goals for 2009. Looking back over them, I didn’t achieve many. I didn’t lose weight. I didn’t earn as much as I’d wanted to. I only created one workshop instead of two. So I could look at those and beat myself up. Old habits are hard to break. Instead though, and in large part thanks to this challenge and the reflecting I’ve done in writing the posts, I see just how much I did accomplish this year. Actually, that’s the wrong way to say it. I see just how far I’ve walked. I see the integrity and the growth in the journey.
Is there a resolution I wish I’d kept? Sure – it would be great to be back at my pre-baby weight. But in the not-getting-there I learned so much more. I unearthed deeper emotional reasons I’m hanging on to the extra padding between myself and the world. I learned that I’m in a stage of my life where diet and deprivation won’t work but a focus on health and wellness will. I learned that I need more sleep, despite how well I think I function without it. Sure – it would have been nice to have last year’s business take off and see the financial reward. But then I wouldn’t be here, on this beach, more at peace with my struggle, more accepting of myself than I’ve ever been.
I have intentions for 2010. Action. Balance. Joy. I have 6 habit changes I want to make. I have so much gratitude for all that is, and all that I have learned.
The world doesn’t change because the calendar does but it does change because we keep changing it – and ourselves – one day, one step at a time.
Peace, Love and Joy to you and yours.