Best of 09 – Day 9
Challenge. Something that really made you grow this year. That made you go to your edge and then some. What made it the best challenge of the year for you?
I was my biggest challenge in 2009. I still am but this year I climbed halfway to the mountain top after spending 36 years circling base camp. I finally started to get over myself and my addiction to lack, to fear, to my belief that I have nothing special to offer and that I have to work SO hard to get anywhere. I’ve been feeding myself a steady diet of wrong thoughts for so long it’s taken therapy, a post-graduate degree in psychology, a baby and finally a business to take me to a place where the pain is no longer worth it. I’m done. I want joy and I want it now.
2009 started after a long, difficult 2008, with the hope for more. More work for my husband, a more successful business for me, more time, more sleep, more needs met. I started meditating again when I could. I went to yoga more often. I started to feel a little better. But my business didn’t grow and my husband didn’t get more work which meant more struggle, more debt, more fear. I worked hard at letting it go, at trusting the journey. I made better decisions, spent (inexpensive) quality time with friends. I read voraciously again, devouring books that I might have cynically shrugged my shoulders at before. My husband found a business he believed in and we jumped into an 8 week self-discovery class. Four days in and I finally accepted a thought I’d been fighting for two years. “Let’s just sell the house and move somewhere cheaper”. 8 weeks later (the day after our class ended) the movers arrived and a 7 year chapter came to a close. The experience of selling an 85 year old house on a hill was one of the most stressful of my life and yet I was able to hold the knowledge that the Universe really IS on my side. I was able to trust that everything in my life is exactly as it should be.
We have – I have – landed on our feet. Our new community is growing and is full of warm, welcoming people. I closed a door on one opportunity and so many more have flown open. I’m still not meditating enough, or sleeping enough, but for the first time in over a decade I am full of inspiration. My muse is talking and I’m finally able to listen. I have ideas that keep me up too late and wake me earlier than I’d like. I can feel myself drawing closer to my purpose – living more aligned with my highest self. I still have my bad moments, when I want to beat myself up for all the stupid shit I haven’t changed yet, but I get through them much more quickly. I am living in a state of gratitude and am seeing the effect in my life. More joy, less pain. More work, less fear. More me showing up in all the places I need to.
I still don’t have enough hours in the day. Most days I don’t have to look far to see all the ways I haven’t quite measured up to my expectations. I am still a work in progress – still my own biggest challenge – but I’ve flipped, for good I think and despite the long, thirsty drink I took this year, my glass is so much more than half full.
My next challenges? Living without incongruity. Taking action. Finding balance. I should have those mastered by the end of 2010…right?