I am working to change my relationship with money. I’ve read The Millionaire Mind and all the law of attraction books (well, many of them). I have become a glass-half-full person where I used to live in scarcity and fear all the time. I’ve had jobs where I’ve made money, and jobs where I haven’t. I’ve examined many of the voices in my head that talk about money and still, I trip over my habitual thoughts.
Tonight I got take out. I’m cooking at home most nights but my husband is away, my daughter didn’t nap and I was out of town this weekend so didn’t get to the Farmer’s Market for produce. While we waited for our food, my 2 year old decided she needed to sit at a table inside (we had our dog with us), in a highchair (she hates highchairs) and play with the silverware. Then water and bread appeared while my dog howled out back. Not only was the waiter adorable with my daughter, he gave us 20% off for being “locals” and didn’t shoot us one dirty look for the table’s disarray. So I tipped him as though we’d eaten there. It was absolutely the right decision and yet, I found myself going back and forth in my mind. About $5! Apparently scarcity and fear are still alive and well. Sigh. I guess over 30 years of conditioning takes time to change.
In the end, I felt good about the tip. As one of my favorite psychology professors said, “You’re not responsible for your first thought – that’s conditioning. You’re responsible for your second and subsequent thoughts and your actions”. I’d really like to change those first thoughts too – maybe this can help? Or this?
In the meantime I’ve decided that I will spend the next week giving more – particularly to people who I think might not necessarily “deserve” it. Like $5 to the homeless guy on the corner (while treating him like a human being worthy of respect and without caring where he spends it). It could be money, time, love – I want to watch my judgments and reactions. I want to give myself permission to slow down and be present with the mental chatter – to listen, acknowledge and let it go.
As I reread the last paragraph I realized that I am one of those people that I often feel doesn’t deserve more money, time or love. I’m working on that too – but that’s a whole new post.